


Supernatural Itunes Shuffle

by rosworms



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Humor, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD, Sex, mentions of porn, post cage issues, self injury
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-28
Updated: 2014-05-28
Packaged: 2018-01-26 21:47:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1703690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosworms/pseuds/rosworms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I put my itunes on shuffle and wrote fanfics based on song titles. Each chapter is a separate fanfic. Some are Sastiel, some are gen, some are hurt/comfort, some are humor, etc. They are all separate.</p>
<p>The chapter titles are the song used for that particular fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Internet Is For Porn

Sam could see that Castiel was frustrated. He’d asked Sam if he could use the laptop for some research, but was not making much headway. 

"Sam, I don’t understand what I’m going wrong. I typed in the topic I want information on, but it’s not working." 

Sam shoved the rest of his sandwich in his mouth and scooted closer to the former angel. He saw that Castiel had typed “i would like to know how to heal humans without angelic grace”… into microsoft word. Sam’s lips twitched into a little smile.

"Okay, first… you need to type what you want into a search engine on the internet." He reached over Castiel’s arms and lightly stroked the trackpad and tapped. 

"Now, this is where you would type in your search- oh crap. DEAN!" Sam slammed the laptop shut after seeing the new homepage on his computer’s browser. He stood and stomped out of the bunker’s library in search for his older brother.

Castiel was silent and curious. Sam had closed the computer before he got a chance to see what had upset the hunter. Very gently, he reached back up and was about to open the computer again.

"Sam, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not like he’s never seen-"

"That’s not the point. You have your own computer, so why do you always have to infect mine with your crap?"

"The internet is for porn!” Dean slammed his hand onto the wooden table as if his argument was solid. Sam sighed and they were silent for a moment before a soft moan was heard.

They both looked over and saw Castiel’s red face and wide eyes watching he computer screen.

"I… don’t believe this is actually safe for the participants." Castiel mumbled.

"Oh god…" Sam groaned.

"Oh god!" A female voice sighed from the computer speaker.


	2. Veins of Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I put my itunes on shuffle and wrote fanfics based on song titles. Each chapter is a separate fanfic. Some are Sastiel, some are gen, some are hurt/comfort, some are humor, etc. They are all separate.
> 
> The chapter titles are the song used for that particular fic.
> 
> This one is about self injury. Skip to the next one if this will trigger you.

It was a habit he’d picked up by accident. Well, not by accident. It was meant to be something else. It was meant to help him separate reality from the hell hallucinations his mind came up with. But it became more. It became just as addicting as demon blood.

It was his own blood. He didn’t drink it, but he needed to see it.

He needed to know that he was real even after the hallucinations stopped. 

When Dean was gone… because who was he if not someone’s little brother? He wasn’t sure who he was supposed to be anymore. So he needed it to make sure he was real and not just a figment of Dean’s imagination that would fade away after Dean’s death.

After Dean came back… because Dean made it clear that he wasn’t Dean’s little brother anymore. He was wrong. There was something wrong with him for not getting Dean out of purgatory. So he needed it then. Because maybe he could bleed out his flaws. There must have been something wrong inside him if he didn’t even realize his older brother was alive but trapped.

When he went through the trials… because they were purifying him. He just wanted to help it along. Maybe he could help get rid of the tainted parts faster. 

When he quit the trials… because he could feel something inside him. Something wrong. Something invading and waiting, sitting in the back of his mind. He knew there was something wrong because it didn’t work. He healed too fast.

It didn’t work.

It wasn’t working.

Something is wrong.

IT DIDN’T WORK.


	3. The Word Of Your Body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I put my itunes on shuffle and wrote fanfics based on song titles. Each chapter is a separate fanfic. Some are Sastiel, some are gen, some are hurt/comfort, some are humor, etc. They are all separate.
> 
> The chapter titles are the song used for that particular fic.

It was quiet the first time they made love.

There were no quickly muttered “I love you”s or panted “oh god”s. There was just breathing, skin hitting skin, the creaking of the old bed. 

Sam wasn’t usually a talker during sex anyway, but he’d felt compelled to keep his voice absolutely silent. He concentrated on Castiel’s body above him. He gripped the angel’s forearms and didn’t fear leaving bruises. He watched sweat bead on Castiel’s chest and drip into the contours where his muscles undulated almost hypnotically.

Castiel had never engaged in intercourse before, but was learning quickly. He found himself easily able to touch Sam with his grace and read his body like a book. Aside from knowing exactly how to touch and caress Sam, he could feel everything Sam felt for him when the hunter let go and opened up. 

Lost in the experience, Castiel had let himself go. The bridge of grace between the two of them created a flood of passion, affection, wanting, desire… love.

It was intense. There would have been no words to express the pleasure even if Sam could make himself speak.

In the quiet, clinging to each other for their lives, they both reached the peak and their lips met as the orgasm crashed upon them like a wave.


	4. If You Were Gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I put my itunes on shuffle and wrote fanfics based on song titles. Each chapter is a separate fanfic. Some are Sastiel, some are gen, some are hurt/comfort, some are humor, etc. They are all separate.
> 
> The chapter titles are the song used for that particular fic.

He fell backwards out of the chair with a shout.

"Shit, Sammy… " Dean muttered with little sympathy from the bed he was sitting on in the motel room. Sam glared up at him, finally figuring out why he’d been startled out of sleep enough to fall to the ground.

"So…" Dean continued, looking down at his notebook and twirling his pen. "You were having a nice dream… care to share?"

"No." Sam groaned as he stood up. That was going to be a giant bruise tomorrow.

"Sarah Michelle Gellar?"

"What? No."

"David Boe- David Bor- the dude who played Angel?" 

"Huh?" Sam looked at him, confused. "What?"

"What? I was just asking. You liked the show enough when you were fourteen." Dean shrugged innocently.

~

"Hey, Sammy… guess what happened at the bar last night?" Dean asked as he started up the Impala, now with a nice full tank of gas.

"Uh, bimbo number one said no so you went with bimbo number two?" Sam smirked at him and went back to reading the map.

"No… well, yes… but that’s not what I was going to tell you about. So my beer was almost empty and then the bartender gives me another. Says it was from this dude down at the corner of the bar. He was totally hitting on me because I’m hot stuff." Dean nodded with pride.

"Okay…? Why are you telling me this?"

"Well, you know… I’m okay with that kind of stuff. So if you ever needed to talk to me about anything…"

Sam’s jaw dropped. His ‘no chick flick moments’ brother was trying to have a sex talk with him. Not a “i hit that, i squeezed those” type of sex talk, but the kind that involved feelings.

"Uh no…. I’m good."

~

"HA!"

"What?" Sam looked up from his book to see Dean pointing at the laptop with triumph.

"Gay porn!" 

"You’re looking at gay porn?" Sam asked, taking all the wind out of Dean’s sails as he deflated and tried to explain himself.

"No… I’m not. You are. You got gay porn in your history."

"You… were you looking through my history just to find that?" Sam didn’t even bother making a ‘bitch face’ as Dean liked to call it. He went straight for a ‘what the fuck’ face.

"I knew it, dude. You’re gay and you wouldn’t tell me because you think I’m homophobic or something." Dean accused. Sam laughed. He dropped his book and just let the laughter roll off of him until he felt his eyes tearing up.

"I’m not gay, Dean."

"But… gay porn."

"I’m not gay. I’m bi." He waited and Dean had nothing to say to that yet. "I didn’t say anything because I thought you knew. I pretended to marry Zack Morris, Dean. You performed the ceremony because I wouldn’t stop crying."

"Oh yeah…"


	5. Everlasting Icicles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I put my itunes on shuffle and wrote fanfics based on song titles. Each chapter is a separate fanfic. Some are Sastiel, some are gen, some are hurt/comfort, some are humor, etc. They are all separate.
> 
> The chapter titles are the song used for that particular fic.

Sam had his soul back. Dean’s brother was back. Sam was Sammy again. Dean couldn’t have been happier.

But he started noticing the small differences after only a few days. Sam didn’t have any memories of Hell, but his subconscious sure did. Dean explained that it was totally normal, but Sam hated not knowing what would be a trigger for him. He had no memories for context. All he had was fear.

The smell of pork made him sick. Dean learned this the hard way, though he should have known since he also avoided it after his time in Hell. They’d crashed a wedding in search of a shape shifter and the wedding had a giant pig roast.

They ended up back at the Impala with Dean rubbing circles in Sam’s back as he threw up everything he’d eaten that day. Sam had said it smelled like people and Dean nodded sympathetically, remembering his own flesh being burned off his bones many times during his stay in Hell.

Holes made Sam nervous. It was completely understandable after jumping into a giant hole and ending up in a pit with Lucifer… but it made their job difficult. While trying to fry a ghost, Sam had been in charge of standing watch while Dean dug the grave.

Everything had been fine until Sam actually looked down at the giant hole that Dean was standing in. The sound of Sam’s gun falling to the ground brought his attention up to his little brother. Sam was breathing rapidly and backing away. 

Dean had done everything he could to calm Sam down, but in the end he just needed to turn Sam away from the hole so he couldn’t see it. Sam’s state of mind had been so shaken, that he didn’t even argue when Dean sent him back to the car until he was done burning the bones.

The worst reaction of all was the night it snowed. They’d been driving north and the cold had already been bothering Sam, making him twitchy and nervous like he was being watched. Dean remembered Lucifer saying that he burned cold back in Detroit and his eyes shifted to a very shaky brother as he drove.

The first bit of flurries went unnoticed by Dean because he was tuned in to the rapid breathing of Sam. Eventually the snowfall was heavy enough to require he turn his wipers on and he heard Sam muttering to himself.

"No, no, no…." The muttering stopped, but then the gasping started and Dean pulled the car over to the side of the road.

"Sam? Sam!" He yelled. Sam was rocking in his seat. His head was in his hands and he pulled at his hair. 

"Sammy, stop! What’s going on?" Dean pulled Sam’s hands away from his head and held onto his hands. They were ice cold. He couldn’t get Sam to talk and then the fast breathing degenerated into hyperventilating.

"You gotta calm down, Sam. I don’t know what’s going through your head, but you gotta slow down before you pass out." He let go of Sam’s hands and gently held his face, turning towards his own.

"Look at me. It’s me, Dean… we’re sitting in the car. We’re on the road. It’s just us. Slow…. down…" His voice was firm and left no room for argument. Sam’s glassy eyes focused on him.

"I don’t- I don’t know… what’s wrong…. Dean…" He spoke between gasps. "What’s wr- what’s wrong with me?"

"You’re having a panic attack, Sammy." It broke Dean’s heart that Sam looked as innocent and scared as he did at the age of seven when he was still scared of thunder. He ran one hand through Sam’s hair, knowing it used to soothe him when he was younger.

"Remember that summer we were staying in that cabin by the lake in Wisconsin? And the neighbor kid left you on the floating dock in the middle of the lake and I had to rescue you?" He had Sam’s attention and kept telling the random story from their childhood. "You were so scared. I could hear you crying from the shore and all I had was the little yellow kayak."

"And…" Sam’s breathing had calmed down, but he was left with the after affect of gasps that came like hiccups. "You rowed out and put me in the kayak and then swam and pushed me all the way back." 

"That’s right, Sammy. Because I’ll always save you."

And after that night, Dean stopped taking jobs up north. He just concentrated on avoiding Sam’s triggers and watching out for new ones.

But Sammy had his soul back and that was better than nothing.


	6. Across the Universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I put my itunes on shuffle and wrote fanfics based on song titles. Each chapter is a separate fanfic. Some are Sastiel, some are gen, some are hurt/comfort, some are humor, etc. They are all separate.
> 
> The chapter titles are the song used for that particular fic.

Sam knew he was considered good looking by society’s standards. He wasn’t stupid. The soulless version of himself had used it to his advantage.

But he also knew that he was ugly inside. He knew, he knew that his soul was blackened. He knew he was tainted. He was ugly and he knew the only other person who could see it was the one who he desperately wanted to hide it from.

That’s why he was rarely alone with Castiel.

It was why he couldn’t bring himself to hug Castiel after his soul had been returned to him. 

It was why it took what seemed like a lifetime of knowing each other before they ended up alone. And the only reason for their time together was because he was parted from Dean and Sam was pretty sure that Castiel only came with him instead of his brother was because of a sense of duty, not out of preference.

The first days were spent in awkward silence aside from the times Castiel worked on the healing process. Sam hated those moments. He knew that the angel was staring at his rotted soul. He hung his head in shame when he knew how hard it must have been for Castiel to keep a straight face and continue touching him.

"Sam…" The deep voice of the angel drew him out of his thoughts and he looked up with question. "Why do you do that?"

"Do what?" Sam cringed away as Castiel brought one hand up to brush a hair from his face.

"That. You act as if you can’t stand my touch. Sometimes it’s as if my mere presence is troubling to you. I know I have made mistakes in my past. Bringing down your wall, for instance, was unforgivable, but-"

"No, Cas… it’s not that. Not at all. Jeez Cas…" Sam ran a hand through is hair. "It’s me. It’s always been me. I don’t know how you can stand to even look at me. And to have to touch me? It must be groteque."

He wasn’t able to keep his voice from breaking a little. Thinking those thoughts was one thing, but saying them out loud hurt even more.

"Is that what you think of yourself? What you think I see?" Castiel’s voice sounded angry and Sam glanced back at him with surprised confusion.

"Well… yeah."

"Sam Winchester," Castiel grabbed Sam’s shoulders and didn’t let him pull away. "You must tell me why."

"I- Cas, I’m tainted. Demon blood… and I’m… I know I’m not clean. I thought the trials, but then…. Cas, you’re the one person I wanted not to see it… because I wanted you so much and you’re too good for me… but I know you do. I know it. How could you not?" He was crying, but there wasn’t anything he could do to stop it. Almost thirty years of feeling unworthy… it seemed ridiculous to fight it now.

"This is the reason you’ve always kept so distant? THIS?" Castiel’s hands lightly ran up Sam’s skin until he was holding Sam’s head so gently in his hands. "You fool. You are such a fool."

"Cas?"

"I have lived for hundreds of thousands of years. I have crossed galaxies, been to the ends of the universe, and watched this planet come into being. I have seen all this, but I have never seen a soul as beautiful as yours."

Sam gasped in disbelief, hating himself for not being able to stop the tears that flowed down his cheeks and burned red marks into his skin.

"Stop it."

"No, Sam. Your soul is too bright for human eyes to look upon. Your soul was bright before, but then it was beaten and scarred. Do you know what happened? It just shined brighter. Your soul could outshine the sun in the sky. My father created you with love, Sam Winchester. He looked upon your soul as it sat in The Guf and he poured out his love and praise upon you because you would be the one that an angel would fall in love with."

Castiel stared with intense determination into Sam’s eyes, making sure the message got through.

"I love you. I have loved you. And we’ve been fools together by placing each other out of reach." He swiped his thumbs under Sam’s eyes, attempting to wipe away the tears. "Let’s stop being foolish."


End file.
